Tears streamed down my face as I sat in my closet, sobbing on the phone to my mother. I had lost my first baby.
My husband and I tried for nine months to get pregnant before I finally got a positive pregnancy test on Christmas Day of 2010. I was over the moon. We told all our family and close friends.
One week later, I started bleeding, and it did not stop. I knew I was miscarrying, and I was devastated.
Words cannot describe the sorrow I felt. The bitterness and frustration. Why was this happening to me? I was a good person. My husband and I could provide a loving home for a baby. I desperately longed to be a mother. Instead, I experienced extreme heartache and loss.
Eventually, we got pregnant again and this time, I was able to carry the baby to full term and we were blessed with our first child. The joy was immense and full. My spirit was full of gratitude.
Between my first and second children, I experienced two more miscarriages. One of them was particularly hard because I went into my ten-week appointment with all the symptoms of pregnancy, to find my womb completely and utterly empty. It was shocking information after coming into my appointment, fully believing I would see my baby for the first time.
It was a chemical pregnancy. The embryo did not take, but my body continued along as if I was pregnant. It was very difficult to process this information, in front of a doctor who while kind, was not a close friend or family member.
Now, 11 years since my first miscarriage, we have three beautiful children who are the joys of my life. I am eternally grateful for them, but I will never forget the pain of those losses; the soul-crushing defeat and aching for what seemed destined to be mine…but was not.
In the unknown of all those years, I know the Savior stood beside me. Without His atoning sacrifice, the hinge point on which the entire plan of salvation rests-I would have been lost.
His ability and desire to shoulder some, if not all, the pain at times was paramount to my ability to recover and be willing to try again. The knowledge of eternal life to come and the Lord’s supreme desire that we are happy helped heal my soul.
I know there are many who struggle with infertility, have never been married, or for whatever reason, have not been able to have children of their own. Many have stories far more heartbreaking than my own.
I chose to share my story because I know despite the trials and the hurt which carve out a crevice in our souls so deep, it seems destined to never heal- it can and will heal through the Savior.
He can succor us in our sorrows because He alone knows exactly how we feel in that moment. Trust in His ability to love you the way you need to be loved.
Keep pushing. Keep moving forward. Seek after Him. Even on the days, you have no strength to do so, and the world seems wildly unfair. Seek Him.
Remember and hold to this truth: “And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.” – Jesus Christ (Matthew 28:20)
And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world.Jesus Christ, Matthew 28:20, KJV
He is always with you. Always.
Featured Image – Pexels
Amber is a speaker, writer, teacher of nine years, wife, mother of three, and lover of chocolate.
Teaching about Christ and His Atonement which allows us to learn, grow, and become, is a passion of hers. Amber’s desire is to share hope, testimony, and light with all.
Amber feels far from perfect, but knows as we share, learn and commune together, we can be united, stronger, and face the challenges of our day with faith and trust in our Savior and our Heavenly Parents.