I’m going to be extremely vulnerable right now.
I have been feeling spiritually dull for the past two months. I continue to stay consistent with the little habits because I know that the dullness will not last forever. I know that if I keep adding to my spiritual reservoir, eventually I will see the fruit of my labors. (Side note, if you need ideas for this, see Rhonda’s post from last week! She laid out some fabulous, simple tips.) Regardless, my personal revelation has felt incredibly underwhelming lately – and I don’t like it.
There has been so much encouragement and chatter surrounding ways to hear the voice of the Lord the past year. Especially if you’re a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. Our prophet, Russell M Nelson, has practically begged us to dig deeper and make it a top priority to discover all the ways the Lord speaks to each of us, individually. I see the phrase ‘Hear Him’ everywhere I look. My social media feeds are full of people talking about ways they have discovered the Spirit whispers to them. Podcasts I listen to are sharing tips and ideas on how to recognize His voice. Books I’m reading share stories of people who have seen miracles by following the quiet whisperings of the Spirit. I’m doing all the things, yet still feeling void of any personal revelation in this current phase of life.
Some might say that means I’m supposed to be still and just enjoy this particular season. I have had the thought that perhaps because I have spent so much time working on my spiritual welfare, the feelings don’t seem as strong even though they might be there. Kind of like when you’ve been doing the same workout for a long period of time – you still get the benefits of exercising, but it doesn’t leave your legs feeling like wet noodles anymore. And then there’s the thought that maybe I’m at a point where receiving personal revelation and feeling spiritually strong is going to require me to lay aside a few more things of the world.
Ask me how I feel about that last idea.
This morning, as I sat down for my morning routine of prayer, journaling and scripture study, I pleaded for guidance. At this point, I don’t even know what questions to ask anymore. Thanks to a pesky virus, I don’t feel like there’s much point to plan ahead for anything. The rules around all of life outside my house seem to change on a daily basis. So, I asked to know what questions I should even be asking.
Following my prayer, I wrote something similar in my journal. I wrote, “I want to quit thinking and talking about Covid19. Today, I just want to focus on being present – in THIS moment. Hoping to tune in to the Spirit a bit more. I just can’t seem to work anything out and it is frustrating me.”
After finishing writing, I set my journal aside and waffled back and forth between watching a favorite scripture study video or picking up my actual scriptures. The video would take me back to scripture chapters I read several weeks ago or I could continue with where my personal study has been lately. I grabbed my phone and started to maneuver my way to the video when a quick, very quiet thought told me to pick up my scriptures and read the next chapter. I almost ignored it, but then reminded myself that sometimes it’s those seemingly non-thoughts that lead to the biggest answers. I quickly came to Alma 10:6 which reads,
I was called many times and I would not hear.”
Alma 10:6
As I read those words, tears started to come and my chest literally started to burn. My memory began to play a record of all the times in recent weeks that I have had the exact same repeating thought. As I continued to read, snippets of a conversation with a friend replayed in my mind. And then a recent dream came back to haunt me. I began to write all of this down in my journal and found myself writing “I am terrified of this, but even as I’m writing I know this is what I’m supposed to do.”
From start to finish, my morning routine reminded me that I already know how to Hear Him. I’m not spiritually void. I needed the reminder that He has been speaking to me this whole time. But my own fears were preventing me from understanding what He has been trying to tell me. I have been trying to drown Him out without realizing I was doing so.
One of my favorite scripture verses is
I glory in plainness, I glory in truth. I glory in my Jesus, for he hath redeemed my soul from hell.”
2 Nephi 33:6
Every time I think about this passage, I am reminded that the Lord speaks plainly to us. He doesn’t beat around the bush. He isn’t passive aggressive. He doesn’t use big, confusing, complicated words or phrases. He is plain. I am the one who complicates His message. I was reminded of that fact in a big way this morning.
In the New Testament, reads,
And he saith unto them, Follow me, and I will make you fishers of men. And they straightway left their nets, and followed him.”
Matthew 4:19-20
I cling to this promise that He will always show us the way, lighting our path as we follow Him. I just have to be willing to do it.
Featured image by team member Rhonda